For World Mental Health Day I wanted to share a note I had in my phone from a night I had a few too many drinks.
I think it’s helpful to write down what you are feeling and talk about things so here is mine.
I was around 13-14 when I attempted to take my own life. I was hurting so much that I didnt see any way out. I took a bottle of pills that I found in the press, took about 12 along with a quarter bottle of whiskey. I lied on the couch and went to sleep thinking that was it.
Obviously it wasn’t. I woke up, I remember being surprised by that, to my mother in the kitchen getting breakfast ready. I remember thinking that if it had been my last day, my mother would not have been doing that.
See, I don’t understand people all too well. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that people can be so ugly to eachother. Emotions don’t make sense to me. All I feel is the pain.
—
Not to get into too much detail but following this I got in a bad relationship and then a relationship where I was the bad one. It was at the end of this second relationship where I was told I might be depressed. I had pretty much slept on a couch for 5 years, not for a lack of a bed, but I couldnt sleep in a bed, and I had really bad anger issues. I went for help and found out I had “serious depression”.
I was on my way to my work Christmas party last year (2019), now people who know me know I don’t like Christmas as it is but I remember this being a bad day. I had a beer alone in the rain and then walked to the venue. I remember looking over the bridge, saw the perfect current, and started walking towards the barrier thing. I took a glance back and caught the eye of someone in a passing car. It could have just been the light but the look on their face snapped me out of it. I turned around and went to the party.
It doesn’t always get better as people say. In my experience, it has gotten easier to deal with but not better. Sometimes it gets too much and goes back to the same pain.
—
Now thing is, I still don’t understand people and feelings all too well and the pain I had been feeling since I was 13-14 has never gotten easier.
It still hurts, everyday. Everything is so exhausting to do. Unless I have to go somewhere I barely can gather the motivation to even wash or brush my teeth for gods sake.
When people say that people who take their own life is selfish. You’re damn right it is. In a lot of cases people only stay around for others. Years of therapy, medication, diet, exercise, it doesn’t always get easier so a lot of people see it as the only thing they can do for themselves; to stop the pain.
It might not always get better people, but there are moments that make it worth it. It might not always get better, but it does get easier.
Sometimes speaking about what is hurting can help others. I don’t know who wants/needs to hear my story, but know you are not alone.
Take care of yourselves.
Keep playing!
